The year 2010 in a time-travelling nutshell
Jan. 25, 2010
Mark Milner
July:
The 2010 World Cup, is won by Germany. Worldwide bratwurst consumption rises by 45 per cent.
Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay goes on a tear, winning eight straight starts in a row. However, early in his ninth start, he throws a cutter that breaks in, down and through the space-time continuum and beans Ray Chapman. Major League Baseball suspends Halladay for 25 games.
NBA free agency is in full swing. Joe Johnson resigns with Atlanta. Chris Bosh signs with Miami. Dwayne Wade signs with Houston. Still missing, LeBron signs with no team. Brett Favre considers signing with the Phoenix Suns, but decides against it.
The National League wins the MLB All-Star game, 5-2. The winning pitcher is Pedro Martinez.
After not making an appearance since the Masters, Tiger Woods wins the British Open in a playoff. He credits his win to his new caddy, Mike Sorrentino.
August:
The American League East remains competitive, with the Yankees and Red Sox nearly in a dead heat. However, the Baltimore Orioles hold a two-game lead over both teams.
Yankees third-baseman Alex Rodriguez shaves his head and begins wearing orange robes to and from games. What this means to the youth of American is discussed for over a week by middle-aged sportswriters on Around the Horn, with no consensus being reached.
The NFL Preseason begins. Brett Favre signs a one-year contract with the Seattle Seahawks. The Detroit Lions win their first two games.
Vernon Wells hits his 50th home run of the season. He credits the single mom who discovered one simple trick that turned him into a power hitter (and made his teeth whiter too).
September:
The NFL's regular season starts up again. Favre throws two interceptions in his debut. Later that evening, Keith Olbermann tells him to wash off his stink, further making enemies in red states.
Shaq continues his reality series Shaq Vs. The final episode has him challenging Takeru Kobayashi to a hot dog eating contest (Shaq loses).
Baltimore fades down the stretch, and the Yankees clinch the AL East title in mid-September. Elsewhere, Seattle easily wins the AL West and the Tigers win the Central. However, Baltimore and Boston remain tied for the Wild Card as the month comes to an end.
Over in the National League, Philadelphia has a hard time recovering from losing Halladay for 25 games. But in the weak NL East, they still lead the Florida Marlins by two games at the end of the month. The San Francisco Giants win the West, the Cubs win the Central and the Cardinals win the Wild Card.
Late in the month, a large metal orb crashes in the southern US. It's quickly surrounded by media, the US Army and Fox Mulder. After two days, a visibly-aged LeBron James climbs out and is immediately taken to a secure location by the US Army. His story is a long and bizarre tale. He explains that Barkley's powerful dunk sent him across the galaxy to a planet inhibited by basketball playing aliens; it turns out Michigan's Fab Five were far more popular than anybody had imagined. Still angry about Webber's illegal timeout, they forced James to play them in a game of three-on-three. James' story ends with him jamming over the leader of the aliens with a dunk so ruthless that it literally sucked the gravity out of the venue, sucking the aliens into space (just like the end of Alien, explains James).
Andy Murray defeats Andy Roddick 6-3, 4-6, 6-1, 6-2 to win the US Open. It marks the first all-Andy final in sports history.
October:
The Seattle Mariners win the AL pennant and face the Giants in the World Series. They lose in six games. Tim Linsecum wins two starts and is named series MVP.
By mid-October, only one NFL team is still undefeated: the Cleveland Browns.
Merely days before the start of the season LeBron James resigns a two-year deal with the Cleveland Cavaliers.
The NHL season gets underway, with an opening night game between Pittsburgh and Washington televised nationally on NBC. It garners a 9.2 rating.
After a series of stunning upsets in the SEC, Ohio State becomes the No. 1 ranked college football team in the country. No. 2? UCLA.
November:
Toronto Maple Leafs forward Phil Kessel scores three goals and has four assists against the Ottawa Senators on the 17th. However, the Leafs lose when goaltender Vesa Toskala lets in nine goals.
The Toronto Raptors start the season as an exactly average team. They go on a pattern of winning one game, losing the next, then winning again, etc. Most bizarrely, their points for and points against cancel each other out by the end of each week. Nobody is able to explain how this is happening.
After starting the season 2-7, the New England Patriots bench Tom Brady.
The Phoenix Coyotes are sold to Mexican billionare Emilio Azcárraga Jean. The franchise quickly relocates to Tijuana.
December:
As the NCAA football season ends, Boise State is the No. 1-ranked team. They will face LSU in the national title game.
An undefeated Ohio State is upset by Michigan in the Big 10 conference championship, 24-13. With no undefeated teams in any major conference, Boise State vaults into the No. 1 spot.
NBA rookie John Wall scores 56 points in a game against Phoenix, surpassing Brandon Jenning's mark from the year before. Jennings shuts down his Twitter account two hours later.
The Arecibo Radio Telescope picks up a large, circular object, deep in space, slowly moving towards Earth. When informed, LeBron James goes pale and mutters under his breath. They're coming for him.
Back to Page 1
Current Comments
0 comments so far (post your own)