The year 2010 in a time-travelling nutshell
Jan. 25, 2010
Mark Milner
January:
Halfway through a NCAA regular season game against Arkansas, 2010 NBA draft lottery lock John Wall completes an alley-oop to himself (off the backboard, no less), causing ESPN analyst Dick Vitale's larynx to explode on air.
The NFC wins the Pro Bowl 24-17, despite Chris Johnson's best effort and a 98-yard touchdown run.
February:
A group of 20 fans shows up in Hawaii expecting to get primo seats for the Pro Bowl. They are mildly disappointed to find the game was played two weeks before in Florida.
Because of an overwhelming fan vote, both Allen Iverson and Tracy McGrady start in the NBA All-Star game. Assuming it's 2001 again, Allan Houston shows up in full Knicks gear. He shoots 3 of 9 for seven points.
The NHL All-Star game is won by the Eastern Conference, 7-4. Capitals forward Alexander Ovechkin finishes the game with three goals, two assists and three rebounds, although nobody quite remembers exactly when those took place.
...Or when the game took place amidst the Winter Olympics.
After taking some shots from the Blogosphere, Bill Simmons reluctantly shaves his goatee. However, he keeps the mustache and grows a George Parros-like mullet.
Finland defeats Canada in overtime to win the gold medal in men's ice hockey. CTV's Rod Black yells "Do you believe in miracles?!" seconds after Rick Nash scores the winning goal. Colour commentator Nick Kypreos responds, "That's actually a pretty good question. Just how would one define the word miracle? When you think of everything that had to happen throughout history for people to survive on this planet, from the oxygen being just so, the planet being just so warm… I suppose you could call us miracles, Rod."
March:
In the first round of the 2010 NCAA men's basketball tournament, No. 1-seeded Duke is upset 68-65 by Northwestern, on a last-second three by John Shurna. The only person in continental North America whose bracket was not destroyed by the upset is Larry Heard, a Memphis-based musician.
The Toronto Raptors float a trade where Chris Bosh and Marcus Banks (as well as their $881,000 trade exception, of course) go to Houston for Tracy McGrady and Joey Dorsey. Toronto Maple Leafs general manager Brian Burke wholeheartedly approves of the trade, citing McGrady's "upside potential."
April:
John Wall nearly has a triple-double (23 points, nine rebounds, 12 assists) as Kentucky defeats Villanova in the NCAA Men's Basketball final, 78-63.
Tiger Woods announces he will play in the Masters Tournament. He comes in fifth, with a score of +2. Phil Mickelson wins the tournament with a score of -5.
However, Tiger Woods does make a cameo appearance on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. It is widely debated in media circles, but most people agree his topless scene was in good taste.
The Chicago Blackhawks finish the season with 50 wins and 113 points, winning the NHL's Presidents Trophy. They narrowly escape a seven-game first-round series against Phoenix.
May:
A filly wins the Kentucky Derby for only the fourth time. It barely makes any headlines, but a copy of William Nack's 2007 book Ruffian is observed to be shedding tears the next day. That makes headlines.
Jamie Moyer wins his 260th game and continues a career that's lasted longer than half of the blogosphere has been alive.
Led, somewhat amazingly, by T-Mac, the Toronto Raptors win a seven-game series against the Orlando Magic and advance to their first conference finals. However, they lose the series to the Miami Heat. McGrady tells Jay Onrait "it's on me, Jay" after Game Five. Hedo Turkoglu agrees, devours an entire pizza on the post-game show and hands T-Mac the reciept.
Los Angeles steamrolls its way through the Western Conference, sweeping three straight series. Marv Albert can hardly believe what he's seeing.
The final episode of Lost airs. It turns out it's all a crazy daydream of Locke's autistic son. John Falsey Jr. cries foul.
June
The Washington Capitals face the San Jose Sharks in the Stanley Cup Finals. Defying all odds, it takes the US by storm as Alexander Ovechkin's play electrifies fans. Ratings explode, with the national share rising to 8.5. NHL commissioner Gary Bettman wakes up from a nap and assumes all credit.
During a road trip to the west coast, Yankees third-baseman Alex Rodriguez vanishes for five days. It later turns out he visited a Hare Krishna temple and underwent a religious rebirth. Around the Horn panelist Jay Mariotti's head explodes live on ESPN.
The Lakers defeat the Miami Heat in four games in the NBA Finals. Ho-hum.
Brett Favre announces his retirement from the NFL after 19 seasons.
Carolina selects Taylor Hall first overall in the NHL Draft.
John Wall is drafted first overall by the Minnesota Timberwolves. Wall smiles briefly at the podium, then hits a 15-foot turnaround.
Inspired by the success of the reality show Shaq Vs., LeBron James starts his own show, LeBron Takes On. During taping of the first episode, James engages in a dunk contest with Charles Barkley on a rooftop court in Brooklyn. Late in the contest, Barkley unleashes his fabled Chaos Dunk, which causes an explosion that destroys several city blocks. When the dust clears, neither James nor Barkey can be seen; the contest is ruled a draw by celebrity judge Chuck Klosterman. (Ed. note: Nike confiscates all footage).
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